At last the floodgates opened
by Sapphire1112
Summary: Back from Mexico, Jack is horrified when Nikki behaves recklessly during a showdown with the main suspect in a murder case then it becomes clear - they both blame themselves for the events in Mexico. I do not own the characters.


"What the _hell_ was that?!" came Jack's voice as he pushed open the office door. Clarissa looked up from her desk, as the angry Scientist followed his colleague in. Thomas left his office to see what was going on between the two younger members of the Lyell team.

"What was _what_?" came Nikki's annoyed reply.

Jack waved his arms up in the air in exasperation. "He was waving a _gun_ about and you were _egging_ him on to _shoot_ you!"

"Well, maybe he should have!" Nikki angrily shot back, but instantly regretted it when she saw his deflated reaction. That was unfair. He'd been devastated when he thought she was dead in Mexico.

Jack felt all the air sucked out of him by her sharp response and collapsed into his chair, with his head in his hands.

No matter how angry she was, Nikki was unable to stop herself from trying to comfort him by putting her hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry, love. I shouldn't have said that. I'm not angry with you." She muttered.

Clarissa sighed. Maybe Mexico had affected Nikki more than everyone thought. She had insisted on coming straight back to work but her attitude during the this case had been unusually careless to say the least. "Why are you angry at all, Nikki? You've been behaving recklessly ever since you and Jack got back. Wanting to come back to work so you're not on your own I can understand, but deliberately urging a violent man to _shoot_ you? What's wrong with you? We deserve to know why you're..."

"Because it was _my_ fault." Nikki blurted out loudly, spinning around to face Clarissa. They all stared at her."What happened in Mexico was down to me." She continued, breathing heavily through her anger.

"Nikki, you are _not_ responsible for what happened in Mexico. You can't blame yourself..." Thomas began.

Nikki cut him off. "Yes, I can. I _am_ responsible for what happened so of course I blame myself - and anyway why shouldn't I? Jack does."

At the mention of his name, Jack tensed up. Sitting bolt upright, and staring around the office in shock, he tried desperately to make sense of what Nikki had just said. Surely, she didn't think he blamed her?

"Jack?" Thomas questioned. Jack said nothing. He couldn't get his head around it.

" Jack thinks it's all his fault, it's not but he blames himself for what happened to me" Oh, _that_ was what she meant. Nikki spun around to face him again, "Go on, Jack tell me I'm wrong!"

Jack dropped his head. She had read him like a book. "I Can't." he muttered into his desk.

The room was silent for a minute, save for Nikki's angry breaths and Jack's despondent ones. It was deafening. Nikki struggled against her growing need to comfort Jack but seeing him so crest-fallen was more than she could handle and she gave in to it. Taking a step towards his back, so she was right behind him, she wrapped her arms around him. He gave an involuntary sob and grasped her hands with his. Nikki put her chin on Jack's head, still trying to fight her inward anger and briefly closed her eyes.

Clarissa and Thomas watched them, both trying work out how to help them. Eventually Clarissa spoke. "Why do you blame yourself, Jack?"

Nikki opened her eyes, but left . her head on his and her arms around him, as he began to speak with trembling breaths."Eva made a deal with the Cartel. They'd let Ernesto go if she got the prisoner free. I had access to him. She took Nikki to make me co-operate." His breath started trembling even more. Nikki felt him tense up again and hugged him tighter in response. "If I didn't care, she wouldn't have taken her."

Thomas and Clarissa stared at the forlorn man. "so you blame yourself for caring about Nikki?" Thomas summarised.

Jack sighed deeply, still holding Nikki's hands. "Of course I bloody do. I should have put her on the plane home when she lost her temper with the prisoner." He answered with fervour. "Hell, I should of dragged her home kicking and screaming when I first got out there."

Nikki sighed and closed her eyes again. Jack bit his lip and squeezed her hands. "So, now that I've explained" he said, quietly, "it's your turn. Why do you think it's your fault?"

"It _is_ my fault" Nikki muttered into his hair.

"Why?" Jack repeated, softly.

"I'm glad I saved Luisa and everyone else." She paused, "But If I hadn't looked in Luisa's coffin in the first place, I wouldn't have known she wasn't in there. We would have had her funeral and I would have come home again. None of the bad stuff would have happened. It was _my_ decision to look in the coffin. I _started_ it all. That makes it _my_ fault." she finished, breathing more easily, now it was out in the open.

Jack moved her around him so she was stood next to him and then gently pulled her onto his lap. Wrapping his arms around her, so she didn't fall off, he took a deep breath before starting to speak again. "You were only in Mexico in the first place because the Cartel pretended to kill Luisa . If they hadn't taken her, you wouldn't have gone. " He paused.

"He's right, Nikki" Clarissa interjected.

"But..." Nikki attempted to move away from Jack, but he pulled her closer to stop her.

" _No_!" he exclaimed forcibly. Clarissa and Thomas looked slightly alarmed at the force behind his negative exclamation. They couldn't see Nikki's arms against him but Jack could feel her hands powerfully trying to push him away from her. He would _not_ let her. He was going to comfort her even if she didn't think she deserved it. He _had_ to admit to what he'd kept from her. It was the only way to catch her off guard - the only way she'd let him in.

"I cried, Nikki." He said "I cried so much" Thomas and Clarissa stared at him, but It had worked. He'd caught her off guard and she stopped resisting him, but now he had to explain. "When you went missing," He began, slowly. "I cried so much _and_ every time I spoke to you on the phone. " He'd explained alright, but now he couldn't stop. "Especially when you asked me to make sure you were cremated, and when you said you were scared about what was going to happen to you." He carried on, ignoring the shocked looks he was receiving from Clarissa and Thomas. This was all news to them, but Jack just couldn't stop now - Nikki had to know everything. "Then when I realised that you'd tricked me into saving the others instead of you, I felt so sick and I didn't know what to do. I just couldn't..." He trailed off unable to find the actual words he needed. There _were_ no words.

Nikki stared at him. She _had_ known already, but to hear him _actually_ admit it was another thing entirely. She leaned into him, allowing him to relax his arms slightly and give her the comfort he wanted to give her. He exhaled. "Anyway, it started way _before_ Luisa was taken. All the people they killed and all the other missing people that were found _with_ Luisa were taken first. If anyone _started_ this, it was the Cartel. Not you."

"Or you" Nikki muttered. Thomas looked expectantly at Jack, who caught his expression and took the hint.

"It _wasn't_ my fault" He stated and looked at Nikki, waiting.

"It wasn't _my_ fault either" She whispered and he hugged her tighter.

"Progress" Clarissa sighed.

"Good." Thomas nodded, pleased that they finally seemed to have got the anger out of their system.

Jack looked at Nikki. "Can you _please_ stop being reckless now then, love? I don't think I can handle any more."

Nikki leaned her head against his chin. "ok, I promise." She whispered.

"And stop trying to push me away." He added."I've told you _everything_ , so let me in." He whispered, stroking her cheek.

Nikki's composure _finally_ broke. She leaned against him and sighed.

And _at last_ the floodgates opened.


End file.
